1) Indulging in a hen party - Before the day that will make me tick 'Married' or 'Mrs' in future document forms (and make me feel old and auntie) arrives, I am going to throw a really wicked hen party for pals as decadent and lustful as me. Highlights include a purple room with dim lights, sexy music, lethal cocktails and a stripteasing hunk. I think the near-naked muscular hunk with a thick gold chain and tight briefs will be a crowd-pleaser. ("This is my beautiful bathroom, check out my matching pipes!")
2) Keeping my dolly bob - Don't the brides look gorgeous and neat with their long stick-straight tresses tied up into buns or chignon, or styled into pleats and curls etc? Forget those. I'm keeping my hair the way it is (or has been for the past 25 years) on my big day (and also save some dollars on hairstyling). It is neat, it is hassle-free, and it is ME. And that reminds me to look for a gown with pockets so that I can whip out my comb every 15 minutes to keep my coiffure in shape.
3) Let's have fun with English! - Isn't it fun putting the groom and friends through sheer torture with us girls dishing out all kinds of wacky tasks for them to accomplish before they can get past the door and the beautiful but tough bevy of sisters? It is even more fun to capture them in various states of disarray and distress on video, and then laughing at them about it a few days later. Packing a $8,888.88 ang pow, drinking soil water and stripping to the waist are too easy on them. My kind of games are purely educational. For starters, a grammar quiz and a spelling bee, with caning and writing lines meted out as punishments. It will be a good motivational video for my students to improve their command of English.
4) Hot wheels - I hope my man comes to pick me up on a scrambler. Never mind that the wind will blow away my veil. Never mind that soot particles will lodge themselves in my facial pores. Never mind that my pearl white satin dress will be airbrushed grey by exhaust fumes. Now it will be just me and him, on two wheels, taking a hell ride to marriage. Unconventional fun.
5) Slave to the music! - Thrash that Kitaro and other new age tunes that precede wedding dinners, and those servers making synchronised but dizzying parading just to serve the cold dish platter. Bring on the dance tunes! Throughout the whole dinner, my amateur DJ is going to spin a head-throbbing mix of techno, retro and trance. I doubt the older folks will appreciate (or even understand) Euro-techno, so I will have the 8815 album that may come in handy. At least they will know who Chen Weilian is.
6) Food fit for the bride - I am definitely deciding what goes on the menu according to what I like! Firstly, do away with the cold dish platter and make it a seafood platter (hello, would you rather eat crispy golden calamari rings or those soggy jellyfish strands)! And maybe some seafood pizza with triple cheese instead of the drab fried rice in lotus leaf? And for dessert, strawberry cheesecake instead of red bean soup? Definitely not a banquet for the health-conscious. Or the conservative.
7) Food available for the bride - I don't custom-make the menu according to my fancies for nothing, I want to eat the food too! But while I am away going through the drudgery of posing for pictures with my honoured guests (75% of whom I do not know), I do not think the folks at my table will be thoughtful enough to save some of the food for my man and me (unless they are all allergic to seafood or lactose-intolerant). A walkie-talkie will reside in the other pocket for me to make constant reminders to Mum and Dad to save some of the goodies for us.
8) My grand entrance with a powerful windy effect - The way the wispy white fumes of dry ice that floats out of the bucket and onto the aisle sure creates a mystical grand entrance for the couple, doesn't it? But it is so boring! Am wondering how to arrange for powerful jets of dry ice fumes like those at Zouk. Just to harmlessly tease my guests and temporarily blind them.
9) Meet my little tyke! - Why grimace whenever you hear well-meaning old folks wishing you "早生贵子" followed by a suggestive wink? Am considering hiring a budding child model to pose as my illegitimate kid in order to shut them up. Be more generous with the "青春永驻" wishes, please.
10) Be myself and be happy - I wonder how to after all those chaotic and frazzled months spent procuring the most stunning dress (with pockets), keeping within the budget, coming up with tricky words for the spelling bee, and even hiring the DJ and child model. But then again, wedding bells will not be ringing so soon for me. The only bells I can hear are school bells.
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